Pslam

In the core of my unfaithfulness you are still faithful
In the sanctuary of my emptiness you still dwell here

What could I have done to deserve you
Once filthy with the aroma of darkness

You have purified me with perfuming incense
Beautiful only to the eyes of a lover

One thing I ask my friend, majesty, king
To be eternally anchored in your presence
Never departing, always imparting

Show me the beauty in the suffering you share
So that I may know you limitlessly

Say we will always be
For eternity you and me

Where have you gone….

Where have you gone my lovely one?
Your tiny hands engulfed in mine.
You’d run to glimpse when I had to go.
As you sleep, your head resting on my chest.
Smelling the sweet scent of your baby fine hair.

Who are you now standing before me.
I could feel crushed, like your running from me.
Instead I know you love me so.
It’s just time for a little of letting go.

You are more then I could have imagined.
Your heart soft and compassionate.
Geography doesn’t equal intimacy.
For where you are is a part of me.

I pray the seeds planted would rise in your soul.
I pray the eternal would captivate your heart.
I pray you know he is always near.

When

When I’d put out my hand you would take it.
If a nasty bug got on you I would shake it.
When leafs fell abundantly we’d rake it.
Though I left unexpected I promised we’d make it.
How many times I’ve cried about you I can’t fake it.

What's in a name?

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet "
William Shakespeare-from Romeo and Juliet

what name do I call you? Should I call you beautiful, elegant, exquisite, and glorious? For that is what you are. Should I call you anxious for that's where I am? Should I call you perseverance for that's what it takes? Should I call you lost for my logic seems misplaced?

My love, my passion, you extreme me. Be with me. Reveal you, reveal me. What do I believe? Do I seek you or do I seek self gratification? Do I want you, or do I long and need you. Would you complete me or would it negate me.

They say I will die in this place. I want to die there too. A place of brokenness, humility, integrity. I could cry there too. Justified by the faith I choose you.

If I was to call you, would you know my name? Would you call me by name or just consider it sweet? Am I set apart? How will you recognize me? Here I am, don't pass? It was my past, don't judge me. If I have died resurrect me. Like a heart that has stopped pulsing, revive me.

The bricks of this castle destroyed, torn down. Look the ash from the debris settles. Showing fragments of past worth jolting. The tower vulnerable, even to the enemy. Would you battle with me? The house shattered would you aid and rebuild with me?

What name would you call me? If I wore the scarlet letter the world placed on me, which would it be? D- Divorced, S-Sinner, A-Adultery or Alien, B-bastard, L-liar,
E-evildoer?

If you look close there is only one I bare. It is S, but not sinner. Son is my name. By any other name you would still call it Glory. Tell me, lean close, what is your name? Would you reveal even as much?

Ponder

There are many things pondering in my mind:

What if I never see you again? Is my love circumstantcial? Is my love given freely? Can one be too content? How do people perseve me? I want to be known as one who seeks God's heart more then I want to be known as anything else. Do they get me? If obidience is better then sacrifice, am I in obidience? Is it ok that I don't cry watching chick flicks anymore? How long can I play Ultimate frisbee until my body just says "No More!" Is there really someone out there for me? Am I too busy ? Where are the Harvester's? Who will follow Jesus in Obidience? Who will count the cost? I love meeting new people, but miss old friends. I type 9 hours a day on a computer, I love to write but drained once I get home. How many of the books on my list of books to read will I finish this year? Can I get better playing the guitar? If I was engaged who would be in my wedding? I love the people in our Monday Night small group and our Kyrgyzstan team. What are you pondering?

Your Beauty

The presence of your beauty
blows me away

The clouds you orchestrate
the sky stroked in blue

The glory of light as it's breaks through rain
bowing the heavens with your peace

Eyes so deep, children you've graced me to see
with hearts so pure it cleanses the idle mind

Men have blemished the truth
taken the poor captive to richen their emptiness

Though a prince of peace
you' re the king that roars a sovereignty of defense

Your beauty is not circumstantial
your beauty it's within

It's not a a mere scene
it's not a restless emotion

It's within the very core of your majesty
your kingdom consumed with pure light

It has blinded, even sent men fallen
attempting a glimpse directly at your glory

It would destroy with a gleam
but can heal with it's shadow

When can I see you face to face
how can we stay here in nearness

Leave me not brilliance of a sun
Leave me not my radiant one

I still believe

I may not understand.
I may feel betrayed, confused, not knowing.
I will trust you my Lord.
I may not know, but I need to know you.
It's been done. Your words says it is finished.

Today I am reminded:
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

May the Lord of all the heaven and earth increase your faith today. Being sure of the hope that is in you, seeing in your hearts the great calling he has already done for you.

Jeremy Camp: I still Believe
Scattered words and empty thoughts/seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before/seems I don't know where to start
But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness/I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word/even when I don't see,
I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind/ with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You've prepared
But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into Your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this is Your will for me
help me to know you are near

Food day

Looking at some previous post, it seems food may be somewhat involved in a lot of my posts. No apologies here. I like trying new and different types of food. A friend of mine asked the other day if there is any type of food I wouldn’t try. I don’ believe so. Other then shrimp crab or lobster because I am allergic to them. I do love clams and oysters.
Today is food day at work. Mexican food is the theme. I love guacamole. I mean a nacho or chip dip wouldn’t be complete with out it. As much as I eat one would think I cook or try to make things more often. I am trying to but I have encircled myself around people that do. Therefore it works out. My friends like to make stuff I love to try them. I would say, “Great fit!”
Food just has great connections with relationships too. Whether fixing a new dish with friends, another culture or with family. I believe some of the best times the disciples probably had with Jesus was when they where eating. There may be a few biblical example recorded about this concept.
We ask people to have coffee or tea. We ask them to lunch. When people are invited into homes they are asked if they want something to drink. Food can be a great icebreaker. I love the time of just chatting with friends or meeting new people. Anyone ever read “The five love Languages?” There is one for singles too. One of mine is “quality time.” I think that’s why I love this setting. The setting of sitting, walking, or just being with a friend, family and yes, my father in heaven, my god.
Father I thank you for how you made us for relationship. I thank you for my friends, family, co-workers, and the many faces in the nations.
I thank you that as you are lifted up all men and women are drawn to you.
May we drink and eat of eternally things today. May we embrace the life you have given us. You are enough, be our portion, be our god.

I am off to a retreat so it may be a while for another blog. Blog you later.

What Makes me Blue......

When a child, a widow, a parent, family or friend cries uncontrollably.
When justice is overlooked and the poor remain broken as result.
When I think I have it figured out and realize I don’t.
When people are not acknowledged for who they are, a created being.
When people or myself don’t acknowledge the living god.
When people say god is not real.
When I anxiously want to kiss my daughter good night and can’t.
When children, men or women are exploited.
When people are freed and still walk with invisible shackles around their heart.
When a promised call or visit doesn’t happen.
When earthly things are put before relationships.
When I can’t hear you.
When I can’t sing to you.
When I can’t feel your presence.
When someone dies and we could have done something.
When we talk the talk but never step out to risk the calling.
When I just need someone to listen and they feel they need to fix me.
When an opportunity to share the good news doesn’t happen or missed.
When we feel grace has a limit to our father.
When I see a child hungry, not just for food but also for pure touch.
When I look into hopeless eyes.
When I know people are screaming in their hearts for freedom.
When I know most of these people won’t be heard.
When our king returns and many will parish.
When a brokenhearted can’t even look at you in the eyes.
When desperation takes it toll.
When freedom is taken for granted.
When freedom is taken without knowing or counting the cost.
When true repentance doesn’t happen and people fall away.
When people are discarded, looked upon as “not worth it.”
When fathers want no part in their children’s lives.
When a skin color dictates our actions or attitude.
When I have to look at myself in the mirror as I write this.

Lunch...

O.K. A co-worker and I picked up Indian Food from the TAJ (114th & Miracle Hills Plaza). One of my favorites. Actually I never really cared for Indian food before about 8 months ago. I went there to eat with friends and it was great. Another New Favorite. So I will finish my Eggplant dish and be right back.

Until then......"What makes you Blue?"
Listening to "Switchfoot" (CD nothing is Sound) and eating. Things are good for the moment.

Take a step of faith.....

"If your life is producing only a whine, instead of the wine, then ruthlessly kick it out. It is definitely a crime for a Christian to be weak in God’s strength."

Oswald Chambers

The Lord hears and answers prayers…

I may never fully understand how amazing the lord’s grace is sometimes. I do know that he hears us and he loves to answer prayers. Coming from a background of hopelessness and feeling abandoned at times, I found it difficult to sense some of my prayers would ever be answered or heard. Though there are countless. There are two that just still amazes to this day (they all amaze me). The Lord’s compassion and mercy is endless.

For a little over a year I prayed for a true friendship with a male. Not only one that would help me understand God’s creation for Godly fellowship with men, but more, someone seeing me for whom I am. I wanted someone to embrace friendship. A person who would go to battle in prayer and be real with. He is one of my best male friends today.

Around the same time I had also been praying for good godly friendship with a female. A relationship that is innocent, pure in heart, not self-seeking and free in spirit. It gets better. The person the lord brings is not even saved yet. She was a co-worker. Then she went to go work for another company. I prayed for almost a year concerning her coming to know the Lord. About 6 months after she left the company, she e-mails, meets me at church that Sunday and gives her life to the Lord! Still blows my mind.


Over a year after all this, these two I just mentioned starts dating. I feel so blessed and can’t grasp his mercy sometimes. The Lord is faithful. The Lord does answer prayers. Beloved press, lean, or whatever it takes to acknowledge him. He wants to know you. He wants to hear your prayers for friends, family, the broken, and the ones that know him.

Chad and Lisa. I pray his wisdom, grace and deep revelations of his love upon you both. I pray this season would be a season of fun, freedom and yes even stretching. Would it be worth it otherwise? You are true friends and you honor me. The way you both acknowledge me I treasure deeply. I love you both.

Chad and Lisa at Dinner. Letting me be the Third wheel, 'cause they are crazy about me! (hee, hee).

This is me singing for them on thier first big date. (I know I resemble Michael Buble. I get that a lot) :)

If....

I never set foot in another nation.
I never have the wisdom of a thousand counselors.
I knew what tomorrow would bring.
My call is to be just yours, single.
Family and friends where to reject me.
I never felt the touch of a son or daughter again.
I’m never relieved of this thorn.
I am not to see the day this nation come fully to you.

My response would be…
You are worth everything.
No one is like you.
You have captured me eternally.
You are always enough.
Take what is rightfully yours.
You are always faithful.
I don’t need to know, I just need you.
Seek me, fill me, breath in me and take me.

New Favorite...

Green Tea- Blackberry Frapachino. hhhhmmmm. That's all for now. Write more after I finish drinking this one.

Egypt I leave you..

I don't look back to be captivated by your intrigue.
It is not better there; I will live on one dependency.
Of new things, new hopes, new visions, a new life.

Fear you will not engage me.
The deceptions of unknowing.
No mystery to the unfulfilled.

The journey is beyond the river hope.
The walk is in the clouds of faith.
I will be made full.

My refuge is not the calling of the one who Sirens my emotions.
The pilar is of the truth, destiny, foundations of his very words.
The goal is not the land, but a heart prepared.

Deceptions unruly, condemnations taken prison.
Not in a land governed by sovereignty.
Freedom is a reality, unblemished for eternity.

Egypt I leave you.

Change me....

As I write and think of a land so far it seems unreal.
Was I really there? Are the people just going through the daily routines.
We all want change no matter what culture,
but we never take the time to step out.
If only tomorrow was here, then I will take the risk, change my mind.
Tomorrow I don't wait for you, tomorrow is here.
My desire is to continue to change, grow. I want to be different and changed,
tomorrow, next week, month, a year from now.
I don't want to live out of what could have been,but out of what can be,
and what already has been given. I feel if I wait to be changed,
it would take away the risk and faith to change.
If I trust god has given, then I take not in selfishness,
but in humality that he trust me.
Free to risk, make mistakes, to live. Life has been given,
So life I take not for granted.
The greatest of all, that it's not just for one. It's for a people.
A people willing to submit and agree with what's already done.
Walking through the destiny, the journey consumed for you.

Can you hear me?

When I walk can you see me?
When I speak in actions can you hear me?
Are we so different that you fear me?
Are we too close to be real with me?
How does one profess so you would believe me?
Why do I sometimes feel so unacknowledged it kills me?
If I where to shout from the roof would it cure me?
If I were to leave would you even miss me?
Radio free Europe, clear, who will talk to me?

Transcending:

1 a : to rise above or go beyond the limits of
b : to triumph over the negative or restrictive aspects of : OVERCOME
c : to be prior to, beyond, and above (the universe or material existence)
2 : to outstrip or outdo in some attribute, quality, or powerintransitive senses :
to rise above or extend notably beyond ordinary limits.

Surely you rise beyond my emotions, thoughts, dreams, my expectation.
Surely you have transcended death, human fears, beyond words or language.

You are the words you are the truth.
You go beyond the scripting and culture.
You go beyond the different shades, the pitch, the notes.

If you were to scream your glory it would break shackles, throw caps off the mountains.
Propel men into eternity, send shock waves that would make creation bow down.
Transcending, you just are!

You are my defender…..

In the creases of my memory lie revelations of who you are
In the hardest of hearts I pushed away, even then you sought me

Though I was lonely you visited me
Though I was ashamed you comforted me
Though I was hungry you fed my spirits
Though I was young you gave wisdom beyond my comprehension
Though I was neglected you pursued me
Though I felt rejected you encouraged me

When I was abused you covered me
When I was beat you healed me
When I was broken to peaces you mended me
When I felt I couldn’t live with out her you walked with me
When I felt like crying forever you kissed my eyes

You have always defended me
You have always fought for me
You have always chased me
You have always been a father

No one compares to you
No is as sovereign as you
Nothing goes unseen by you
No one is like you

I have nothing to offer
All I have is this heart
My love it’s already yours

I ask that you take it again and again
I ask you do with it what you will
I ask you hold it gently as a father
I ask you change me so that we may know you

Take me my Defender, my Lover, my Friend, my Father my King.

Wedding Days

Wedding Days
Ben Pasley

God Loves his family… like a man loves his wife
And the women she is glitter gold, And she dresses
all in white

I’ve seen the wind run round her,
And threaten her with storm
I’ve seen the mountain shake to crush her
And the oceans raise a hand

But if God is near, She will not fall, And bruise
her tender head
If God is near He will keep her from breaking
….careful in His hands
If God is near the girl she will dance, and spin
the heavens round
Wedding days are always remembered
…When true love has been found

Husband…. What does that mean?

As my testimony states (www.realpeopleinarealworld.com) I was previously married. One of my best friends got married this past weekend. He was also previously married. He has a beautiful son and now lovely wife. Note I did not say he is now remarried. During the time we were praying for him before the wedding, the pastor had spoken that it was not his second marriage, but his first. The Lord has redeemed him. Who are you Lord? Who is like you? I have seen a man transform from shame, unsure, and fear to a man with integrity, faith and trust in the one that matters most. A real God, one who seeks him, fights for him and never abandoned him. Characters of a good husband. What does it mean to be a good husband? Lord I pray for purity in their marriage, generations of Godly men and women. Intimacy and revelation of your unending love for them. This is the cup the Lord has given him to drink. For me? Besides perceptions by some people who thought I was O.K. with not every being married, I would say, rather then OK a better term would be learning to be "content" in whatever the situation. However, I still have the faith and dreams to be with a future bride. I don’t regret being a Husband, just being a bad one. I am not OK with not ever being married. I am for marriage! I am for marriages that are life giving, unselfish and with great emotional intimacy. There have been so many engagements and wedding the past 6 months in our community of friends. I love it. If we don’t marry, be fruitful and multiply, we’ll literally die off. The kingdom is life giving. So I pray there would be more great engagements and weddings. And if it’s his time….”Ollie oxen free….take a chance on me.”

It's been awhile..

So I was sick for almost a week then, busy catching up with work and life for another. I have had things on my heart to write. Must have been fleeting thoughts. I was ready to write a new blog when, "Come home Eileen" came on the web music I was listening to. For those of you who don't know, it's an 80's song. Fun music. But as I searched for the Lyrics, (because one cannot really understand what the guy is singing. Sounds like he has a real bad cold. He makes it work. At least for this song) well, let say the lyrics are not what I thought. I read innuendo’s I didn't hear when previously listening to the song. What’s that mean? Exactly that, I didn’t notice it before.
I was having a conversation with a good friend the other day. Both of us have been saved (given our life to the Lord) just under 5 years. We still notice things we didn’t notice before. This song would be a prime example. I am not boycotting, I have freedom to listen to any song. I am merely stating that when truth is revealed, it sets you free. However, I sometimes now have a conviction in my heart when listening to certain songs. Are certain songs though artistically good beneficial for me? I don’t believe I am limited listening only to Christian music. To be honest, it seems some bands use the label “Christian” a little loosely. What does the word "Christian" mean to them? My prayer is that the spirit of God directs me. Ultimately I answer to him.
Peace and grace as you pursue his wisdom. Enjoying his creation. Through Art, music or simply gazing at the stars and eyes of your close loved ones.

Bless this food I'm about to partake...?

So I am sitting here wondering how good that croissantwhich I just ate was for me? To be honest a couple months back I had it for at least 4 times a week. This happened for about a month and a half. Not good. Working out yet eating badly just not a good combination. I am the guy at the gym who looks at the poster illustrating if you burn 300 calories working out, yet eat 500 calories of fatty food right after that, doesn’t do much.
As long as I could remember I love to eat. However, my body never seemed to gain weight no matter how hard I would even try. I am sure age has some to do with it. Now I have a pooch as a new member of the family. I don’t mean that German Shorthair I wish I could have.
Also, if you pray for your meal, and the meal you are about to have is a Quarter Ponder with cheese combo super sized, should you really ask the Lord to bless the food to your body? Seriously, I don’t think so. How could it? Speaking of “Super Size”, I finally watched the movie a couple weeks ago. O K parts of it. Cause after a certain point, you get the message. The movie convinced me stop eating my croissantwhich breakfasts.
Finally, an update on the blog “Moving Day.” They came and finally put in a keyboard tray for me at work. I was still pulling out the pencil drawer to look for my keyboard up to this point. Sadly, for a few days I kept pulling out the keyboard looking for pens or pencils. Stupid keyboard tray.
Call me. Let’s do lunch.

Do I hear you?

From " MY Utmost for His Highest"

Feb 13
“If I have not developed and nurtured this devotion of hearing, I can only hear God’s voice at certain times. At other times I become deaf to Him because my attention is to other things— things which I think I must do.”

Feb 14-
“After every time of darkness, we should experience a mixture of delight and humiliation. If there is only delight, I question whether we have really heard God at all.”

Sometimes I get freaked out when I don't hear from the Lord. Why? It doesn't mean that he's not there. I say, "Lord whatever you want", and then my tendency is to plan and do things I feel I must be doing when it's the furthest away of his plans. I know he has given me dreams and visions for my life. It's the process of getting there that seems the hardest. Patients, teach me more patients. Lord show me balance of a hope for the dreams and vision, faith in knowing what's ahead, while living in the today and now. I have been wired to strongly feel connected, intimate, and passionate with relationships. So when I don't feel his presence, I tend to feel like I am in the dark. As the devotion on the 14th ask, am I delighting and embracing the darkness in humility? That's my desire. To be refined and defined by him. Lord I hear you, and when I feel like I don't, I pray you bring me in your stillness. May I desire to seek and find you. Would my heart woo itself to you, as your heart desires intimacy with me? "We should seek intimacy with the lord. However that's not our foundation. Our foundation is the covenant. The solid rock. He is the foundation. Because there are times we won't feel his presence." (From Songs of Solomon teaching- Raymayhew.com)

What are you saying today?

If I was a precious jewel would you forget me? Would you wear the ring to remind you of the unending circle of love? I want to be with you. Do you take me for granted? Will you forget about me? Would you take me off to wash your hands of me? Leaving me there. Have you forgotten where you placed me? The ring is just a symbol of the covenant I made with you. For it's in the holiest place I long to dwell. The temple of your heart. Embedded in your spirits. Longing to know you. Do you feel it? Deep in the pit of your soul, the fire burns to know you. An uprising. It calls to you.

Does She know I miss her.....

I can't remember exactly when she got to big to hold.
I can remember pitter patter across the wood floor as I chase her.
I can't remember exactly what her first words were.
I can remember the first time she laid in bed and cooed.
I can't remember how business went on that trip.
I can remember her waking up surprise to see me and saying "Dada."
I can't remember what the arguement was about.
I can remember her deep brown eyes looking at me as I walked away.
I can't remember how many times I missed out tucking her in at nights.
I can remember to call and say goodnight.

She will always be my bambina, though now she is my young lady.
Does she know I miss her? I can never get back the times missed. But I charish every memory made.

Have you told them you love them today? Have you made memories with them? I would pay for what you have.

Lord how your heart must ache? How many prayers from little children asking for thier parents back have you heard today? How many prayers have you heard from those who have never known differntly? How many times does your heart weep in a day for the unborn? For the fatherless?

Thank you that my hope is in you Lord. Thank you for being the Lord of redemption. Thank you for promising to wipe away every tear. You alone are worthy of all my heart, soul, mind and strength.

Watch over her. Protect her, keep her pure before you. Let her know I miss her. Thank you daddy. (Romans 5: 1-11)

Moving Day

Today is moving day. No, not to a new house or apartment. Not to another state or country. To a new cube. I have worked in the same company for almost 7 years. This is probably my tenth move. Crazy. At least my cube is next to a window. Meaning more blogs. My old cube had a keyboard tray. This new one does not. However, it does have a sliding pencil, pen and paper clip holder where my old tray would be. I keep pulling the tray out thinking my keyboard is there. A bit annoying until I catch on.
So I am listening to Jason Upton while I type. The song Faith is playing. My faith today is not in anything but that Jesus will provide, he is God. Burning, refining me to be more like him. Not to be a God (that's his place), but to know him, live for him, to be holy.

Random Thoughts:

-My hope is that men and women can live together as pure reflections of God creation. No shame, no fear, just freedom to pursue each other like we pursue him. Real life. Not perfect but redeemed by his grace. True friends in the kingdom of God.

-My hope is my daughter would be pure. Not only physically, but spiritually. I trust God in her life. She is a gift not my right. She belongs to God.

-My hope is that my future wife knows I am fighting for her. That's it's not easy doing that sometime, but God's timing is perfect. One of my favorite story in the Bible is of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob had to wait seven years before he could marry Rachel. But here's what it says: (Genesis 29)

"So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her."

Shoot, I don't want to wait seven years, seven years from what time? I said to God three years ago, I would wait that long if it's his timing. Are we allowed to say, God I was kidding? But in my heart I would, I will. I will wait upon the Lord. Because I know when my wife and I finally get it, finding each other, it will be worth it. It will only seem like a few days. My heart says it's worth it.